3.

I am embarrassed to realize that it has actually been a whole year since my last blog post. I had many posts drafted in my head and the note section of my phone. Anytime I came up with something I deemed worthy of sharing with my small following I would start to write it out …

2.

Another year has gone by without our first baby. Navigating what bringing a living child into this world feels like with a previous loss is so complex. It's been a complete year of loving another child who we found out about on this week last year but also another complete year of grieving the first …

I had a live birth.

Looooong time coming is an understatement. Rowan’s birth story. I’ll preface this with letting you all know how uneventful the whole thing was. If you picture how it usually happens in a movie that’s pretty much how it went down with maybe a little bit more trauma considering how anxious we were after Ben’s story, …

becoming mommy.

the baby that chose us finally made it earth side. Rowan Elliot Welch. I'll start in my honest babe fashion and get straight to the point... newborns are fucking hard. anyone who says they love the newborn stage didn’t have a babe who went through the colic phase. other moms do talk about it being …

do all the things.

As we round out to the final month of this journey, which could still end fatally. The thought still always in the back of our minds. I want to reflect on one things I have learned along the way over the past 9 months. Just in case another PAL mama stumbles across my blog at …

30 weeks + 2 days.

An odd milestone in your mind, in my mind... We made it. This is one of the happiest moments of my life. Waking up each day this week feeling our little babe move around allowed me to walk into both my appointments this week without anxiety for the first time this whole pregnancy. I gave …

Rowan.

I am so excited for Rowan that it usually makes my heart hurt. I am so excited that it gives me anxiety. This little voice in the back of my head calls me a fool and tells me to chill out on the excitement because you still have four months to go. I'm so excited …

i love you.

I don't want to compare pregnancies but with each appointment making the idea more concrete in my head it's hard not to reflect on what feels different this time around. I loved/love Benjamin. Don't ever doubt that. But with Benjamin I was more worried about myself. You can see that from my last blog post …

your baby is the size of Bubble Tape bubble gum.

i have to start this off by acknowledging the fact that it has been 2 years now since we first began to try and start a family. i think it is important to acknowledge because people don't realize how long this journey has actually taken us and we are still not even at the end …

29.

As I sit down to write my January blog, I realize that it must be obvious I have been procrastinating, as it is the last day of January. It has been really hard deciphering my thoughts these past couple of months. I've been busy mentally to say the least. Besides coming to terms with having …

1.

one year. wow. as i sit here and reflect, i keep interrupting my own thoughts. this isn't a year that i want to reflect on. a year ago in my desperation i didn't know where i'd be a year down the road what i did know is that i would be better. i knew that …

the next step in our journey.

It happened. Around eight months into our journey we found out a family friend had lost their baby. My bodies initial reaction was to cry and feel sick to my stomach. My thoughts went straight to guilt because I thought I had wanted someone who knew what I was feeling but as soon as we …

empty rooms.

you buy a house, with plans to make it a home. maybe it has 3, 4, 5 bedrooms. you check that off your list. you start to picture the future. you remember your room as a child and everything your parents provided for you. you imagine providing for someone in the same way. & that's …

in betweeners.

I am mostly a person who always has to have a plan. The more chaos or unstructured plans that come into my life the more overwhelmed I feel. Whether it's a set schedule for weekly meals, a do-list at work or an itinerary for an upcoming trip, I am usually always prepared. I function at …

the summer without Benjamin.

Summer is my favorite season. I am actually pretty bitter that it is already the first week of Fall. Not that we even get many seasonal days here in California.  I mean, I do love pumpkin flavored everything and cozy socks, but I'll miss my tan lines and the pool days more. & honestly who …

it’s a boy.

Most people will tell you the best day of their life was the day their kid was born. For me the day our baby was born was the worst day of my life... maybe that further puts my life into perspective for you. Seems like a morbid way to start a blog post, but hey …

some of us.

Deciding you want to have kids is weird. You either want them or you don’t. You either are in that part of your life or you’re not. Yeah sure it’s happens by what some people call an “accident” or you didn’t know it was what you wanted until it happened. There are even some people …

here i am.

the little moments. little holidays. valentines day. easter. the first day of summer. mothers day. fathers day. fourth of july. the fourth of fucking july.  What does a dead baby have to do with independence day? And why am I still writing about a dead baby? Well, I thought I'd slip through the crack of …

check on your “strong friend”.

Six months. A half of one year. 182 days. The worst of my life. When I reread my previous posts, I notice that I keep mentioning making it to the other side. What six months has taught me is there is no "other side". I don't think there will ever be an "other side" to …

here’s the kicker.

Life is what you make it... until it isn't. I've always been a firm believer that the choices you make today impact your life for years to come. It is important to form healthy & consistent habits. It is important to make decisions and take actions on things in order to ensure you fulfill your …