go hug your mama or baby mama.

To say the last 5 months have been crazy is an understatement. As I dive into my 6th month of being pregnant, things are becoming more and more like a plane going through severe turbulence with moments of relief when the plane levels out and then a peace of mind shines through the clouds because the flight only has 3 of 10 hours left… in this case 3 more months. Catch my drift?

If you had asked me earlier in the year if I was ready to take on preganancy and the likes of what it entails to become a mother, I would have said absolutely, it’s going to be tough, of course (I knew all mom’s deserved their credit), but I mean look at how many other people are doing it— Is it really going to be that hard?! Here I was again being my usual naive self. The only way a young adult who has never really had to be anything other than selfish with their own time and energy thinks.

I never realized how important having control over my own body is to me until this pregnancy. Sure I know that I have spent a lot of time and energy over the past few years ensuring I maintain a weight that I am comfortable with. For that to happen, I’ve consistently excercised and ate stricter than most people I know. I’ve never taken my health for granted… Or so I thought. I spent the first 27 years of my life with little to no health issues. I basically found that sweet little balancing spot where I could maintain my health in order to ensure smooth sailing mentally and physically.

Then I started growing another life inside of me. Now, it feels like I have lost almost all control over my body and mind.

I suffered months of nauesea, headaches, fatigue, soreness, weight gain, and other weird aches and pains. I am the heaviest I’ve been in my entire life. Not because I’ve been lazy and unhealthy in my actions. Not because I am no longer taking care of myself, I continue to do that the best I can. It happened because I made the selfless act of deciding to become a mother. Something I am only now realizing. The months have gone by and I have endured. No small feat. It has been rough and it has been long.

As I round the corner into my second trimester and beyond, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel… Then the plane hits turbulence again, throwing me into a mental, anxiety and hormonal filled storm. This is where I currently reside.

This is the side of pregnancy that often times seems taboo. This is the side of pregnancy that is less talked about. This is the side of pregnancy that came as a total shock to me. Just because some of us are lucky to be getting pregnant and because we brought this upon ourselves, doesn’t mean that we have to enjoy the complete ride or pretend like at times we aren’t second guessing our decision to begin this journey because of how tough the process continues to be. I really want to enjoy this journey but some times the anxiety that comes in waves, drowns me in its rath. I don’t really know where to begin or how to explain the emotional swirl that has been forming in my brain. One of the main reasons it has taken me so long to write about it. I can however, provide a slew of questions that have been in my brain for the past couple of months.

Why did I decide to do this? Did I make the right choice? Will the baby survive until his due date? What if he has detrimental physical or mental disabilities? What if he is born premature? What if I gain 70 lbs? What if he dies as a newborn? What if I can’t breastfeed? What if he dies when I go back to work and put him in someone else’s care? What if I don’t want to go back to work? What if I get postpartum depression and can’t come out of it? What if my life changes so drastically that I end up hating it? How will I know what to do in certain situations? Will I be a good mother? Will my husband actually be a good father? Who am I kidding becoming a mother? I need to get my own shit together. What about the dogs? Will I have time for them? Will they start to resent me? Am I preparing myself enough? Have I read enough books? Am I reading the right books? Did the baby move enough today? Did I eat enough nutrious foods today? Did I really need that Tylenol for that headache? Am I crazy? Is this symptom normal or should I be concerned? Should we vacinate? Should we not? Will I ever feel like myself again? What if we can’t afford the things he needs? How do I ask for help? How will I maintain my current routine and lifestyle? Is there more I should be doing? Am I doing enough? Am I enough to be a mother?

I mean, I could keep going but I think you get the idea. To top it all off, normally if I wasn’t pregnant and I was getting anxiety over something I could spend a weekend doing careless things, drinking, possibly smoking some weed. You know, something to take the edge off or distract my mind. I realize now, that this obviously isn’t and wasn’t the best coping mechanism– & it is no longer an option in my current state.

What scares me the most is the uncertainty of this situation. No matter how much you think you are preparing, you really have little control over what the actual outcome will be. Even if you do the best prep job and set yourself up to acheive the best outcome — things will either go terribly wrong, extremely well or maybe somewhere neatly in between. That is life, though. That is basically every situation we put ourselves in. Why should this journey be anymore scary than the others? Probably because there is ultimately something pretty special about another human life being brought into your world.

I need to find a way to trust my body, trust my own judgement and trust the universal plan that life presents me, but there is no sense in worrying before that plan gets put into play. I had the chance to talk to a couple mamas this week and I recieved real, practical advice that I am going to hit this new month head on with.

  1. Worry is the work of motherhood. Worrying is normal. It means you’re going to be a great mom. It means that you actually already care so much for this new babe in your life. Just don’t let it consume you. Things will work out how they are suppose to even if the road there gets bumpy.
  2. This is the beginning of letting go of being selfish. You don’t really realize how selfish you are until you are forced into being selfless. This is a commendable attribute. Embrace it. You’re going to become a better person for it.

November and beyond, I am ready for you. It is probably going to get crazier as things progress. That is ok. I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this.

 

 

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the state of being no longer alive.

Once you lose someone close to you very unexpectedly your perspective on life and death changes drastically. At least this is the case for me. Death is inevitable and one day we will all know it.

Suddenly the thought of death surrounds me at every corner. Anxiety keeps me awake and ravages my mind every time my husband leaves for work, every time I have to go out in the world alone and often times when I have too much free time to let my mind wander. Simple things like getting in a car or knowing that someone close to me will be taking a car ride always gives me an urgent feeling to be cautious because it could be our/their last.

It’s almost been ten years since I lost my dad suddenly in an automobile accident and this uneasy feeling hasn’t gotten any easier.

I notice it when it is hard to put into words for my husband about why I have anxiety on Sunday, knowing he will be headed to another work week. A week where he drives a winding mountain road and then proceeds to work with heavy equipment that requires extreme safety measures. What if something happens to Scott and the baby never gets to meet him? I notice it to when, I say goodbye to a friend or family member after time spent together. Will this be our last memory together?

I often obsess about what it would be like in a world without me, a close friend or family member. What would I want to say at their funeral? Would other people realize how much that person meant to me? On a scale of one to ten how sad would I be? How long would it take for me to overcome the initial shock and devastation? Will I be one of the lucky ones that gets to grow old with my husband and children? Or will one of us get taken before we are ready? How much time is there before I have to mourn someone close to me again?

These are morbid thoughts. They are thoughts from a person who has experience a death close to their heart. Do these thoughts make me wiser than you? Probably not. I am probably just more anxious and hyperaware of the life around me. Sometimes it can be hard to live fully when you know death is imminent. Once you know death, you can’t unknow it.

morning sickness or first trimester hang over.

Ok, lets just talk about morning sickness for a quick second.

First of all, why the fuck are they/we even still calling it “Morning Sickness”, when everywhere you read it says, “though not technically specific to the morning time”. Let’s be real– the sickness lasts all day or at least for a majority of the day. Personally mine doesn’t usually kick in until around lunch time and then lasts all the way until bed time. Even still, I have trouble falling asleep because of the nausea. I feel like I had a long day/night of drinking and may even have to sleep curled up on the bathroom floor next to the toilet.

Which brings me to what we should actually be calling “morning sickness” — The First Trimester Hangover, not experienced by everyone.

I haven’t drank a sip of alcohol in over 2 months — but everyday I slowly become more tired, headachey, nauseous, bloated and uncomfortable— hmm kind of like a hangover. One of my least favorite side effects of alcohol. 

Don’t get me wrong as awful and miserable as it is, I am not complaining. I fully understand that this is what a healthy pregnancy entails. I have honestly held back so much from even mentioning how unpleasant these last few weeks have been because I am beyond grateful to even still be caring this little bean. I am taking it as a good sign that things are still progressing, considering last time my symptoms subsided rather erupt and then I was diagnosed with the missed miscarriage.

I just think it is time for all  of the literature out there along with the entertainment industry to get it right. Your whole life as a girl you are made to believe that you may have some rough mornings along the way but it shall subside at some point and the rest of your day will carry on like any other. Then when reality smacks you in the face it comes as complete and overwhelming shock. The people around you who either a. never experienced morning sickness when they were pregnant or b. have never been pregnant — ask you, “Have you had any morning sickness?”. Well, no bitch. I wouldn’t refer to it as morning sickness– I’ve been hungover for 3 weeks straight without any alcohol involved and “they say” it probably won’t subside for another solid month. Ok. I’ll calm down now. 

In the name of all things honest– the theme of this blog, I just needed to get this off my chest.

sometimes the past haunts me.

For some reason, recently I have been stuck thinking about things in the past that I obviously can’t change. Things that obviously made me who I am. Things that obviously suck but there is no reason to be crying over spilled milk at this point in my life. Maybe it is the hormones. Going on 9 weeks with a baby still inside me. 

It all seems so obvious,  yet I am still here digging up the time I wasted on someone who didn’t deserve my time, money, energy and love. I am reliving the moments that left traumatizing and lasting impressions on who I am as a person today. Why does it even matter when I’ve made it this far and I am mostly okay? The brain is weird. The past is weird. Not being able to get rid of these memories is weird. Who would I be without them, though? Definitely not me.

It’s not even like it was my fault. I was mostly a product of my environment. I didn’t know how to be strong back then. I didn’t know I had other options.

The biggest things that I can”t shake from my mind happened during the years 2005-2009. All within 4 years– My parents got divorced. I started high school. We moved from my childhood home of 15 years. I had my “first love”, who turned out to be abusive and manipulative. I experience a countless amount of firsts during these years. My dad died. I graduated high school and had to figure out what the next step was. My brothers moved away. My mom started drifting away with her new freedom. I started having to teach myself how to be a person in the world based on what I knew at that point in my life. I didn’t have much to go off of, considering how confusing these years were for me. 

parents

My parent’s innocence captured on their wedding day. Before they could ever know what their futures or what their children’s futures held.

I made it out alive. I made it out a good person. I made it out a functioning adult. I met new people who helped me (mostly Scott, who has been my rock since 2010). I learned along the way. I don’t think what happened to me during those years will never not haunt me. 

Maybe right now I can’t stop thinking about it because the prospect of having my own kids is heavy on my mind. With that comes these feelings that I want so much more for them. I want them to never have to go through what I went through to become who they will be. I want their childhood and adolescence to be a hell of a lot easier than mine ever was. How do I ensure that? What if things get out of control again?

I made it out alive and stronger, but that doesn’t mean that if I could go back and change a couple things I wouldn’t. Sometimes I feel less than because of how weak I was back then. Not everyone had to go through a dramatic upbringing in order to become who they are now. But then again why am I even comparing myself to others?

round two.

Whenever I get too much going on in my head, I don’t feel like sharing any part of me with the world. I take a break from writing, I try not to make any plans, I stray away from my normal routine, I stop reaching out to talk to other people and I just can’t be myself. It’s like I am holding my breath, but in regards to my whole life.

One of my last posts I talked about catching a break and finally feeling like June was the start of new winds in my sail. Well, that post was May 31st… On June 1st, I found out I am in fact pregnant again. So, cliche as it is, the month we decided to give trying a break is the month it happened for us.

The first ultrasound was better than I had hoped but still not as promising as I would have liked. THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT! The first little baby heartbeat I have ever witnessed. But, then of course the doctor thought it was rather slow and based on my period the embryo isn’t as big as it should be. I should have been around 8 1/2 weeks, but I am only measuring about 6 1/2 weeks. So, instead of getting a gold star and sent on my way with a sense of relief, I have to continue on my path of anxiousness and return again to the doctor this Friday to make sure everything continues to progress.ultra

I found all of this out last week. My symptoms have been getting progressively worse, nausea, headaches and fatigue mostly. Seriously like having a permanent hangover. No matter how unbearable it is becoming I am hoping it is a good sign.

What is hope, though? I would give anything to not get my hopes again. I feel as though the only place hope is going to get me is in the gutters again if this thing doesn’t work out. But, then there is that slight chance that It will all work out and I will feel silly for these anxious thoughts. When we decide the time was right for starting a family, had you told me this is where I would be– I wouldn’t believe you. I didn’t picture myself going through these emotions and bouts of anxiety. Does anyone picture themselves here? I wanted to enjoy pregnancy. I wanted to welcome it with open arms. Yet, here I am for a second time pleading with the universe to get me through this.

This is my reality. I won’t have relief or anymore hope until I see the doctor again on Friday. Even then, if it happens to be good news will I really have any relief until we make it to 12 weeks and it is still going how we want it to? The odds are already better this time and as “they say” in our favor. Please oh please mother universe let me not become hopeless. 

 

the discovery.

I love to watch movies that make me think. I watch a lot of documentaries and crime stuff. Why is what goes on in the criminal justice system and in a murder’s mind so fucking interesting? Anyways, I watched this movie on Netflix last night, The Discovery. The basic premise, without giving too much away— This guy creates a machine that is able to measure a way of noting that a part of us, “a soul” leaves the body at the time of death and goes into an afterlife. So, he basically confirms that yes– if you die there is an afterlife. He then spends the rest of the movie trying to find a way to figure out what the afterlife actually is.

So, like holy shit. What ends up happening is people start killing themselves at record rates because now they know they have an escape from this life, even if they don’t know what the afterlife actually entails.

It got me questioning myself. Would I kill myself to get to the afterlife if I knew for sure there was one? It really only took me a few minutes to think about. Yeah, of course, I would love to see my dad again—but would that be enough to leave my current life? No.

By the end of the movie they do figure out what happens in the afterlife. I won’t go into detail about what they discover– because that’s one of the most climatic parts of the movie. The finding is so profound though, that they end up deciding they should destroy the machine and not tell the rest of the world, because even more people will probably kill themselves. Seriously recommend this movie if you like being left in a contemplative state after you’ve watched a film. 

I will say, when they do find out about the afterlife– it made me contemplate even harder– hmm, would I want to die so I could experience this. Still a hard no for me, dog. The decision really comes down to whether or not, now that you know about the afterlife, would it be easier to go there or live with yourself and your decisions this far into your life.

All of this lead me to once again realize how fortunate I am to have the life I have. Things get tough, things haven’t been going my way– but I have so much to live for in this life. I have so little that I regret in my life. I have forgiven myself for things in my past, and now those acts seem like a completely different person committed them.  I continue to live through a life that was once what I had hoped to have. My heart really hurts for the people who don’t feel that way. Whether they decide to end their lives or go on making harmful decisions to further destruct their lives– is tragic.

There are so many celebrity suicides happening recently. There are shows like 13 Reasons Why, now. How do we get through to other humans? How do we show them the beauty in our present life? How do we walk them through forgiving themselves for past mistakes? What if we found out for sure there was no afterlife? Would people be doing anything they could to stay alive? Alternatively, what if we did find out there was an afterlife? Would there be even more suicides, like the movie portrays? So many questions, so many things to think about. 

The brain can be a scary place. Our consciousness can be a scary place. It doesn’t have to be that way permanently. Death is imminent. The afterlife is unknown. While we have this life (whatever it is)- we have to get out of our heads and we have to fully embrace this life, on this planet, during this time. These are some of the things that the movie made me contemplate.

I just want to throw out my periodic positive vibes. I am grateful for all that I have– I am so lucky to be who I am and where I am. Even when life gets tough, this too shall pass.

 

 

young, wild & free.

It has been months since I’ve felt as carefree as I once had. I came out of 2017 high off life. I’ve written about it time and time again, about the encroaching feeling that life hasn’t been what I wanted it to be since the year started.

Processed with VSCO with m5 presetThen I had another weekend where I got to be carefree and completely immerse myself in the joys that my life has to offer. Being an adult where I get to make my own decisions, a large body of water, three and a half days off of work, sunshine, boating, alcohol, friends and family.

As the year had began —I felt as though I would never be as carefree as I once was. As emotions poured in and hope was lost. As the all consuming thoughts and worries felt like they had settled in to stay. I finally got a taste of my freedom back. I finally got the notion that timing is back on schedule. That I am allowed to enjoy the moments like these, because yes, one day they may be gone for good.

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As the sun set on the water of our final full day of fun in Lake Havasu Arizona, the water warmed to bath temperature, we pulled into a deserted cove across from our final destination– we blasted music, we danced, we swam and we enjoyed our freedom that we often take for granted. We enjoyed the company surrounding us and we lived in the moment. Being fortunate to take a break from every day life– the things that worry and restrict your ability to be content– is good for your soul.

Feeling like myself again is being met with rejoice and reassurance. I head into June, into Summer– ready to try again. Ready to for what is next. Whether it is what I hope for or maybe what I am not hoping for but at least I am headed out into the halfway year mark with a different more positive attitude about 2018.

Sometimes everything aligns, we get to feel the fruits of labor and we get to be alive. Life is good.