some of us.

Deciding you want to have kids is weird.

You either want them or you don’t. You either are in that part of your life or you’re not. Yeah sure it’s happens by what some people call an “accident” or you didn’t know it was what you wanted until it happened. There are even some people who just have children because they think that’s the next step in life, it’s not even a decision to them they’re just like yeah, I guess I’ll have a kid or four. 

But in case you didn’t know for some of us, it means a little bit more. Some of us have known our whole lives we wanted a family. Some of us don’t have the ideal family and all we’ve ever wanted is to create the family we always dreamed about. Some of us spent years avoiding having kids because we knew we wanted to wait for the “right time” and the right person.  A time when our lives were a little bit more stable and we could love our children selflessly with all that we have. 

For some of us it just means a little bit more. & for some of those some, having children hasn’t come easy or it hasn’t even come at all, yet. 

All my life all I ever wanted was stability. My childhood was unpredictable, and my life continued that way up until I was about 23. Scott and his family helped me so much. They helped me realize what was important when I was still willingly spiraling into chaos. There is nothing I’ve wanted more than to create a stable environment for my own life where I could raise children and give them what I always craved. I digress. 

When I talk about “some of us”, I’m obviously talking about myself. I’m also talking about many women I’ve met and talked to in the past 8 months. 

Some of us want to create that stability we’ve craved for other tiny humans. Some of us want to give the love we wanted as children or even still as adults. Some of us have endless reasons why we want motherhood so bad. To some of us it means more than just passing on our blood line or doing it because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”, because it’s what everyone else is doing. 

Some of us thought we’d be like everyone else. We thought we’d stop taking our birth control and BOOM, in a few months we’d have a positive test, and then within the year we’d have the baby we’d always daydreamed about. Some of us, either never got a positive test, we got the positive and quickly learned we’d miscarry, or we carried a baby for weeks only to find out our baby wouldn’t be making it earth side. 

Some of us, all we can think about is how bad we want to be someone’s mama. 

From this side, the side that longs for a baby, I see you mamas who were meant to be mamas your whole life. I see the mamas who I want to be. I praise you and I envy you. 

Unfortunately, from this side, some of us also see and hear the mamas who make our hearts ache. 

The mamas who only complain about their kids. The mamas who make the comments, “I’d do anything for this pregnancy to just be over already”. Meanwhile we hear that, and we’d do anything to be in your uncomfortable shoes. Some of us would do anything to carry a baby to full term. The mamas who talk about the “accident” that became a living breathing baby. The mamas in the news who neglect or kill their babies. The mamas who take every aspect of motherhood and pregnancy for granted. Never realizing that there are some of us out there who will never get the luxury of having a “normal” pregnancy. Yes, it is a luxury to carry your baby to full term and never incur any problems other than the up-front pregnancy ailments we grew up hearing about.

I get it. We get it. It’s hard. It’s possible that there is nothing harder. But either way, what some mamas take for granted is all we have ever wanted. Of course, there is chaos in the beauty of carrying and raising children. What some of you may not realize is that some of us would trade our souls just to experience that beautiful chaos. 

If I describe it honestly from my perspective, Scott recently asked me if I’d ever sell my soul to the devil, while we were listening to “satanic doo-wop”. I replied, “well yeah, but I guess it depends on how good the deal is.” In the back of my mind my answer was based on if he promised me a living breathing baby and the family, I’ve always dreamed of I’d do anything. 

& that’s basically what it feels like for some of us. For some of us motherhood means so much more. Some of us don’t take being called Mama lightly.