in betweeners.

I am mostly a person who always has to have a plan. The more chaos or unstructured plans that come into my life the more overwhelmed I feel. Whether it’s a set schedule for weekly meals, a do-list at work or an itinerary for an upcoming trip, I am usually always prepared. I function at my best as a human when I have a regimen and predictability in my life. Sure spontaneous plans can be fun but spontaneous events that change your entire future plans are not fun.

Death throws some unexpected things into your life, for instance, what feels like insurmountable chaos and a couple cliche but true sayings, “the future is never promised” & “life doesn’t always go according to plan”.

Right now I am scared to plan for the future. What we thought we had in the bag, disappeared in a moments time. And quite honestly that makes planning anything seem pointless and daunting.

If I try to plan something in the near future I ask myself over and over again, Is that really how I want to spend my time? What if I cancel these plans and then never see that person again? Is this going to be worth it? Should I just enjoy this time of peace before another storm comes? Or do I prepare for the next storm? Do I really want to spend my energy on this person? & so on…

If I try to plan something in the outer future I ask myself over and over again, Where the hell will I even be at that time? Will I be ready to do that? Will I be pregnant? Will I be experience another pregnancy loss? 

I mean these are not questions that are out of the ordinary. I am sure you may have asked yourself these questions at some point. Most people probably do. The difference now is I either make the plans and feel an instant tinge of guilt & anxiety, or I just avoid making plans all together.

I recently read and shared an article from Still Standing Magazine, about the in between space of stillbirth. I can relate to what the author explains in regard to not fitting within the group of parents who have living children but then also not fitting into the group with out children or the group that had a child that lived earth side and then died. But for me, it goes much deeper. There is an in between space in the general plans of our whole life now. When your child is stillborn, you not only lose your future plans, you also lose your enthusiasm and excitement for planning an alternative future. Instead you are stuck in the in between.

Some more million dollar questions, how do you get out of the in between? Does having another baby help? What if it turns out you can’t have another baby? What if the same thing happens? Are you supposed to relax and enjoy the in between? How, when all you can do is think about the future? How do we know what to plan for next when everything we ever planned for died with Benjamin?

We’re slowly rebuilding but were stuck in this unknown phase that is, in between a life we want and life we may never have. I guess this isn’t out of the ordinary, to suddenly question your whole future.

 Rant over.