becoming mommy.

the baby that chose us finally made it earth side.

Rowan Elliot Welch.

I’ll start in my honest babe fashion and get straight to the point… newborns are fucking hard. anyone who says they love the newborn stage didn’t have a babe who went through the colic phase. other moms do talk about it being hard and how it gets easier but really you’ll never know how hard it is until you’re in the trenches.

as I write to you from the trenches there is a lot to say. not all of it is pretty. I hope that you won’t judge me for being honest about my experience. I’m by no means complaining. I wouldn’t trade becoming mommy for the world.

I love this little babe but something no one talked about and I feel hesitant to talk about is the possibility of lack of bonding with your baby immediately. I think that our previous loss plays a big a role in it & probably just who I am as a person.

when I first met Rowan the shock took a long time to wear off. the fact that I was finally holding a beautiful breathing baby in my arms felt so surreal that I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I was actually in the moment I had always imagined. I have been so afraid of losing her in these first few weeks that I didn’t want to get attached to her. I thought something was wrong with me. how could you not be feeling what those bitches on social media are always posting, “didn’t know I could love something so much. didn’t know my heart could be filled with more love. didn’t know my world was incomplete until our baby arrived”.

at one month in I am in a better place and I think I am finally able to take a step back and live in this moment. I know one day very soon I will want to do anything to come back to these messy moments that have exhausted me to my core, physically and spiritually.

as the days go by she steals another small piece of my heart.

when I say it might have something to do with me as a person, I’ll start by saying, I knew going into motherhood that I was selfish but nothing makes you realize how selfish you are until you’re forced to be selfless for another little soul.

I came up with a mantra when I feel overwhelmed. I keep repeating “this is mommy” “you wanted to be mommy”.

she needs me for every little thing. it is easy to forget in the beginning that you signed up for the good days and the bad days. the moments when all you want to do is catch up on sleep but tiny gas bubbles are quaking in her little tummy and she needs you to console her, even if she is completely inconsolable. the times when your husband gets home from work and all you want to do is cuddle with him, enjoy a glass of wine and watch your favorite show, but here comes your little babe who needs to be rocked to sleep for an hour because that’s what it was like in your womb. you’ll find yourself in your pre-mommy routine, making food, catching up on household chores or maybe reading a book and then her little tummy rumbles her awake and it is time to eat for what feels like the 101st time today.

it is all easy to forget because no matter how much you love on your tiny babe, no matter how much you feed her, change her and try to console her, she continues to want more from you and there is no thank you, not even a smile to let you know you made her happy.

some days I feel guilty for feeling and thinking the things that I do but I also know that this isn’t uncommon. I’ve seen it talked about in the baby forums and I’ve had some mommy friends share their experience privately with me. for some reason the struggles and hardships of motherhood are taboo in our culture.

becoming mommy is fucking hard. it is a process. I have to remind myself every day that this is the greatest gift and I am so lucky. as I look down onto my chest while writing this at a sleeping babe, who makes more noise and commotion in her sleep than any grown adult I know, I remember that these are the days I cried for just months ago. this is the little soul I’ve been dreaming about for the past couple of years.

tears form in my eyes now. I am ready for my new goal, my new purpose. not only becoming mommy, but becoming the best mommy for my sweet little Rowie. the rainbow at the end of the awful storm.

one month in and here’s to hoping it gets easier as they say.