29.

As I sit down to write my January blog, I realize that it must be obvious I have been procrastinating, as it is the last day of January.

It has been really hard deciphering my thoughts these past couple of months. I’ve been busy mentally to say the least. Besides coming to terms with having survived a whole year of grief and looking back on that year to wonder… where did the time go and how did I even do it, I also recently celebrated my 29th birthday. 29, how insignificant, you may think. To me, on the cusp of 30, my last year in my “20s” that feels powerful and maybe even like it needs to be celebrated.

When I rang in my 28th birthday last year, I can still remember the post I made on Instagram, “The happiest story with the saddest ending.” This is a borrowed quote from the first memoir I read on stillbirth. I had hoped my 28th year would be the opposite, the saddest story with the happiest ending. & if I’m being honest maybe it was, or maybe it was just the saddest story and I’m still working on a happy ending. It has been extended into 29.

Even now when trying to find the words I want to say about my life this many years in, it feels muddled and confusing to talk about. After the year I had, I find myself talking about this next decade and 29th year in these terms: “2020 holds so much potential, or maybe it doesn’t. 29 is my year or maybe it isn’t. Everything is going to be okay this year, or maybe it won’t be. I have so much to look forward to, or maybe I don’t.” How do you pull away from that mindset when the last year brought so much grief and disappointment? How do you turn your pessimism back into optimism?

I don’t know, but I guess that is where I am right now.

& so as the month ends and life keeps rolling on I just want to say that I am here for it. I may not be the me I had imagined I’d be at 29 but I here for it. All of it.

There is a storm brewing in my soul right now. It is scary, exciting and confusing all at once.